What To Do When The Conversation’s “Me, Me, Me”
A few years ago I was at an event, seated next to a man I’d never met before. Being the courteous person I am (thanks for the upbringing Mum) I smiled, introduced myself and asked his name.
He readily provided the answer, then continued to talk pretty much non-stop for the next hour, delivering a tsunami of additional information, such as:
- He’d recently set up a business and held a launch party. (I got the lowdown on why he’d set it up, what he’d done so far and what he would be doing.)
- He’d worked in the same industry before and had managed projects for some high-profile clients. (I got a list of names dropped.)
- He was in a relationship. (I heard about his partners, both past and present.)
- He had pets. (I found out what breeds, where they were bought and what had led to their purchase. I also saw a video and numerous photos.)
- He’d recently changed his eating habits. (I heard his thoughts on nutrition and animal welfare, and even news of an elderly relative and her diet habits.)
While he was telling me all this, I didn’t sit there completely dumb. Where the conversation veered onto common ground, I interjected with some facts about me, such as that I also run my own business and have two dogs. I even showed him a picture of my pooch. (No, that’s not a euphemism – it was literally a photo of my dog.)
However, from the reaction I received it was clear the gentleman in question wasn’t in the least bit interested. Instead of picking up on my comments and using them as a springboard to find out more about me, we were quickly back to what appeared to be is favourite subject…him.
Now, we’ve all been guilty at some time or other of hogging the conversation. I can think of occasions where I’ve become aware I’ve been hearing too much of my own voice. So it’s worth remembering:
The best chats are a two-way street, where the airtime is split 50/50.
You talk, they listen. You listen, they talk. It’s the perfect scenario.
Too often though, the ratio tips so that one person is taking the lion’s share of the airtime. When that happens, the better part to play is the one of the listener. (And if you’re the person who talks too much, this previous blog post can help.)
A big part of creating a positive personal brand is making others feel positive; and if the thing that makes them happy is talking about themselves, then go with the flow.
If you walk away from a conversation knowing the other person’s inside leg measurement but they’d be hard-pushed to fill the back of a postage stamp with information about you, you’ve done an excellent job. Or to quote that well-known phrase from the author Maya Angelou:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
What are your tips for one-sided conversations? Do you have any tactics to get the balance of airtime back again? What are your views of people who spend their lives in transmit, not receive mode? The comment box is ready and waiting (and yes, this is a time when I want to hear what you have to say!)
Someone allegedly well knowm, but not by me, is reported to have said that most of us are not as interesting as we think we are. Probably quite true unless sharing common experiences.
That’s sage advice. And I’d also add, people aren’t paying as much attention to us as we think they are.
Thank you for composing and sharing. When someone acts like that, I have found that I have sometimes tried to compete in order to get a word in or my own point across (I commented on your post about people who talk too much, mia culpa), but have learnt that if they are that impervious a better policy is simply to smile and let them get on with it. Pleased to see the quote from Maya Angelou. I have read the first volume of her autobiography, but not the other six yet.
Like you Tony, I’ve often been tempted to compete and push my voice into the conversation. But I also realised it’s wasted effort and it’s easier to sit there, smiling, thinking how much of an arse the other person is being.
Ahhh, Jennifer, we have all been there…sadly, I guess as the talker.
First and foremost, I almost spat out my coffee…”it was literally a photo of my dog”, thank you for that memorable line 🙂
One example for me was sitting at dinner with two people I had never met before, one a fisherman, (I don’t fish), and the other someone who tamed wild horses. Knowing me as you do, I asked great questions, got the other to talk and kept them talking. Like you, I knew loads about them, yet neither knew anything about me. My point is that when they got home, their partner may have asked them if they enjoyed the dinner, and both may have said that they had met a very interesting guy…until their partner asked about this person, and they realised they knew nothing about him.
I have previously been as frustrated by not being able to speak, but as I have got older, and I hope wiser, realise that most people never get the chance to speak fully and openly, to feel the joy of being heard, not to be judged or interrupted and to be listened to by someone genuinely interested in them.
In doing so, my hope is that having experienced feeling heard, they will extend that interest in another person.
I recall a teenage cashier in a supermarket asking me how I was and I said, “Fine”. I asked about her and she replied; “Fine”, and whilst I held her gaze, she said, “I am not really”. I continued to listen and for about 90 seconds she shared her problem. And that was it, back to scanning my goods.
We may never know the impact our listening has on another, especially when we are genuinely curious, compassionate and kind.
So, “Listen first, listen all ways, always, because, people are dying to be heard, literally and figuratively”.
Blessings
Colin
You’ve definitely built your personal brand on being the person who listens – it’s the first thing I think of when I hear your name.