Do You Suffer From Bitchy Resting Face?
“I think people find me unapproachable, even though I’m really happy for them to approach me.”
So said a delegate on a recent workshop, to which a person from his team replied, “Actually, you’re right. I often worry about asking you a question.”
He was a little taken aback but knew the source of the problem wasn’t what he said or what he did (when he was asked a question he was the epitome of helpfulness) – it was how he looked. And how he looked was hacked off.
Not all the time, but particularly when he was deep in thought.
This led to a whole discussion about the curse of Bitchy Resting Face (BRF) – or in his case Bitchy Thinking Face.
Not heard the term before?
Then let me explain.
People who suffer from BRF have been blessed (I use the term ironically) with a face that, when resting, makes them look really annoyed/hacked off/miserable/like they want to give you a slap – which isn’t great for building rapport and getting buy-in from others. More often than not it’s women who suffer (though I’ve seen plenty of blokes with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp).
If you need an illustration, this informative (and comical) video delivers. (WARNING: avoid watching if you’re easily offended.)
How can you tell if you suffer from BRF?
Symptoms include people telling you to, “Cheer up, it may never happen!” or asking, “Is everything OK?” or even not saying anything at all because they’re too scared to approach you. The specific features that illicit those comments are a frowning forehead, staring eyes and a down-turned mouth.
(Alternative versions I’ve encountered include SRF – Sad Resting Face, WRF – Worried Resting Face and AWTFRF – Away With The Fairies Resting Face.)
So what can you do to remedy it?
Short of having plastic surgery, which is a dodgy idea as you may end up looking like the Bride of Wildenstein, there are two options:
Option 1 – Reduce the amount of time your face is resting
This is the easiest one to do – simply smile more. I don’t mean you have to walk around with a permanent grin so BRF never makes an appearance. What I do mean is you should think about times when you could genuinely smile, the easiest one of which is when you make eye contact with someone.
That could be when you look up from your screen and over at a team-mate, or walk down a corridor and meet someone coming the other way, or when you’re listening to someone talk in a meeting. A quick lifting of the corners of your mouth is all that it takes to get you out of BRF-mode and into WSF (Welcoming Smiling Face) mode – which will do wonders for your personal brand.
The added bonus is the physical act of smiling sends a signal to your brain that you’re happy, which it then interprets into making you feel just that…happy.
Option 2 – Explain you suffer from BRF
Now, I appreciate you can’t go round grinning like a gormless idiot 24/7 – there are of course going to be times when your face is resting.
So why not acknowledge the fact with a light-hearted comment such as, “I’m just going to crack on with that project and if I look like I’m about ready to throttle someone, I’m not…it’s just the face I get when I’m concentrating.” Or, “Why don’t we kick off the agenda and by the way…if at any time I look annoyed, I’m not; it’s the face I get when I’m listening.”
Or a real-life example I had: a delegate on a workshop I was running told me during the coffee break that she might look a bit irritated, but it was only because she was in pain from a troublesome hip and she was actually enjoying the session. I’d initially read her face as, “I sooooooo don’t want to be here,” so it made all the difference to how I viewed her.
And if you really want to lighten the mood, you could even make a joke by adding, “I’ve my parents to thank for giving me a Bitchy Resting Face!”
Do you suffer from BRF or similar? If so, how do you let people know that what they’re seeing on your face isn’t reflected in your personal brand? Or is there an upside to BRF you can share? Feel free to leave a comment in the box below. Thanks!
I think the reason that women are more likely to appear to have BRF (not necessarily suffer from!) is that, from childhood, we’re more likely to have been told to smile, or ‘cheer up’. We’ve often been encouraged to make ourselves a little more amenable, friendly, helpful – not always things that boys or young men are told. Thanks then for expanding this away from the framing of ‘bitchy’ into a wider set of descriptions. I’ve definitely got a ‘concentrating’ face when deep into something – and a ‘you’re doing great’ face when I’m at a conference/training event as I’m often the person the presenter focuses on the most!
I agree Anita and that’s a point I hadn’t really thought about. I love the ‘you’re doing great’ face in an audience; it’s people like you who really help us presenters when there’s a ‘go on, impress me’ face sitting in the front row!